I Held Your Hand
by Nerweniel
Summary: Minerva McGonagall reflects on her love of long ago... A tale of a woman who desperately loved, but who just couldn't save him... FINISHED!
1. My Immortal

"My immortal"  
  
Tonight, my love, is another one of those nights, those clear, warm summer nights, when the stars seem so close, when you feel like you could almost touch those silvery-white spots high above- bun when you're just too lazy to try.  
  
Tonight, my love, is another one of those nights, when I think of you, when I remember you and when I know I will never be with you again.  
  
Tonight, my love, is another one of those nights, when I realize we have chosen different paths in lie, paths which will never meet. Never meet again, that is.  
  
For once, on another one of those nights, now more than forty years ago, they were meeting.  
  
"I'm so tired of being here.  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears."  
  
I fear, oh yes, my love, I do fear. I fear, but I do not fear you. You should know by now that I know you far too well to ever be frightened of you. Or maybe not.  
  
Yes, my love, maybe I do fear you. But I don't fear the boy I once loved.   
  
I fear the man he's become.  
  
For how shall I call you, my love?   
  
Tom Riddle… or Lord Voldemort?   
  
Lord Voldemort? Or Tom Riddle… like on that very night…  
  
"And if you have to leave.  
  
I wish that you would just leave."  
  
That warm, beautiful night, that very last night at Hogwarts. The night before our graduation… I loved you, Tom, do you realize that? You were a Slytherin- and thus everything I despised… yet I loved you. I would have given my very life for you, my love.   
  
You held my hand, that night… 'Twas just another one of our usual nightly walks- I knew for sure some teachers knew of them, but they ignored them with a shrug of their shoulders. We were Hogwarts' Head Boy and Girl. We were probably the two smartest students of the century. I as well as you. You as well as me.   
  
'Twas just another one of our usual nightly walks, my love. Just another one- and yet, something special. For it was our last one, my love. You knew that and I knew that. We both knew it was our very last chance. We both knew we couldn't live without each other. We both were wrong, because we did. But we didn't know that, then.  
  
We had never spoken of our future, my love. Of our possible future… I was an orphan- you were an orphan, we both didn't have anyone to look after. We both were as free as two eighteen-year-olds could be.  
  
But we'd never spoken of it. Frightened we were- though we were as certain as only two passionate youngsters could be that we were meant for each other.  
  
We were, I think. I think we actually were. But we aren't anymore.  
  
"Cause your presence still lingers here.  
  
And it won't leave me alone."  
  
You took my hand, my love, and I looked up into those clear, soft green eyes of you. Those shiny eyes. You always told me they only shone for me. And I believed you.  
  
Maybe it even was true…  
  
I looked up into those eyes and I smiled as your hand softly bruised my cheek.   
  
"Minerva…" you then said, and I once more smiled. Nobody has ever pronounced my name the way you did, Tom. The soft accent you laid on the second syllable of my first name always made my heart grow warm. Now, all that's left of that warmth is a bitter feeling, the feeling that warmth was not enough. But I was foolish enough not to see that.  
  
I was eighteen, Tom, and in love. I just kissed you.  
  
"Tom…" I then muttered, totally missing the mischievous grin on your thin, yet handsome face  
  
And then, suddenly, you lifted me up, under the silky summer sky, and everything was just perfect. You danced with me over the lawns of Hogwarts, and I… I forgot my whole stern façade of "Head Girl", and I giggled like any girl would have done…   
  
You twirled me around, you held me, you kissed me, and then, dizzy with delight and laughing madly, we fell on the grass. I giggled uncontrollably- I even wasn't ashamed of this "loss of my usual dignity". I have never been drunk, Tom, but that night, I was the closest to drunk I have ever been. I was drunk with you, my love.  
  
Then, you stroked my hair and kissed me again. We were still sitting on the lawn, as in the middle of a ridiculous summer night picnic. I sat on your lap, the moon was shining and everything was so beautiful, Tom… I so loved you, Tom…  
  
Now, that is forty-five years behind us, my love, and I now see what I then didn't notice…  
  
But how could I ever have foreseen that? I think even you hadn't got a clue.  
  
And then, suddenly serious and no longer laughing, you stared deeply into my eyes. I saw the moonlight reflected in those greenish, little lakes of yours and the only thing I heard was your voice- no more than a whisper in the night, but so clear to me.  
  
"Minerva, follow me. I have got a flat in London… Minerva, my little goddess, would you… would you… Follow me, my love."  
  
I was as happy as only a young girl could be, yet, with a half-smile I asked in a mutter  
  
"Why, my love?"  
  
You smiled as well.  
  
"Because I love you. And to make the world a better place, Minerva… You… me…"  
  
You were almost speechless, my love. You were speechless for me and I was a girl, a smart girl, but still a young girl. I was vain. I felt flattered and I loved you. How could I have known what your idea of a better place was? How could I ever have said no? I had no place to go to, and I loved you.  
  
Yes, I loved you…  
  
Then, my lips touched yours again and again and again.  
  
And you knew I was yours. 


	2. These Wounds Don't Seem To Heal

"These wounds won't seem to heal.  
  
This pain is just too real.  
  
There's just too much that time can not erase."  
  
It is true, Tom. Too much has happened… too much I have loved you. This wounds will never ever heal, my love, but they will fade. They already have faded.   
  
Yet they will never disappear.  
  
There is too much that time cannot erase. When we were young, we thought time was nothing. Later on, we thought time was almighty.   
  
We were wrong anyway.  
  
Time van do lots of things, my love, but it cannot wipe away the remainders of a love so strong as my love for you.   
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears."  
  
Yet, that night was heaven. Paradise. A moonlit paradise with you and me, and nothing else.  
  
Waking up the next morning felt like waking from a dream, yet it wasn't. Waking up from the great dream of my life has taken me more than one night. Sometimes, I wish that night had never happened. Yet I knew, I still know, that I would never have wanted to miss it…  
  
The next day was Graduation Day, my love. I received my diploma from the hands of my beloved Head of House, Albus Dumbledore. You know what he said to me, Tom, that very day? You you don't. I'll tell you…  
  
That evening, before the Hogwarts Express would take us home for the very last time, Albus came over to my Head Girl quarters.  
  
"Come in!" I said- I was just packing my suitcases.  
  
And he came in, Tom, and he grabbed my hands and smiled.  
  
"Minerva," he then said. "Minerva, have you never thought of becoming a teacher?"  
  
He meant it well- I read all his kindness in those soft, light blue eyes.   
  
But I was already blind for kindness.   
  
I smiled.  
  
"Yes, to be honest, I have, Professor. But I have changed my mind. I am not meant to teach, Professor."  
  
"Oh," he answered, a somewhat strange expression in his eyes.  
  
"Have you got other plans, then?"  
  
I nodded and hesitated, yet then told him, that man I had ever been able to trust, no matter what.  
  
"I am moving to London, Professor. I will there… I don't know exactly what I want to… but…"  
  
I didn't know how to tell him that I was leaving with you. For deep inside, a part of me already knew… Yet, he smiled again, with that very dame, strange expression in his eyes.  
  
Now I know what that expression was.  
  
It was sadness.  
  
He already knew what I didn't.  
  
"And I held your hand through all of these years.  
  
But you still have all of me."  
  
And, though it was hard for me to leave my dearly beloved Hogwarts- and especially my dearly beloved Transfigurations teacher-, I left the next day, with you.   
  
Oh, how I still remember every tiny little detail of that day, when you, proudly, drove me to "your place", as you called it. You had a muggle car. You already hated muggles, but you had a muggle car. I remember, Tom. I remember everything.  
  
"Does milady want to join me?" you spoke gentlemanly, as you extended your arm. I grinned and stepped into the car.  
  
And we drove away.   
  
I held you hand as we entered your flat, my love, you held my hand as I said how beautiful and wonderful it all was. I held your hand as I said how much I loved you.  
  
But the worst thing was… that I meant it.  
  
I held your hand, Tom.   
  
Always.  
  
"You used to captivate me by your resonating mind.  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind."  
  
Those first days, weeks, months were heaven, Tom. An immortal time, and I'll never forget it. That I can honestly promise you…  
  
Living with you, my love, not having to hide our love anymore, waking up next to you and feeling your arms around me every single moment. And you were sweet, you were handsome, and you told me I was your goddess every free moment. What more could a girl ever have wanted?  
  
For a girl I was, Tom, a silly, little schoolgirl, though I wasn't in school anymore. I, who had always thought myself highly exalted above all those idiotic, girly, giggling, naive creatures, I was one myself.  
  
But when I realized that, it was already too late.  
  
It usually is.  
  
"Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams.  
  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me."  
  
How could I have been so stupid? How could I? I was the smartest witch of my year, Tom, I was the youngest Animagus in over a century, but I didn't see what was so obvious!  
  
You organized meetings, my love, meetings for your former little Slytherin friends. I despised them all. I guess they hated me as well, but they never showed it. They acted as if I was one of them, and not Real Gryffindor Number 1 and Archenemy Of Every Slytherin With The Tiniest Bit Of Selfrespect. I was the master's little girlfriend, the love slave of Lord Voldemort.  
  
It still makes me sick.  
  
You already used that name then, my love, and though I thought it ridiculous, I believed all your beautiful stories- it was all to make the world a better place. You would save the world, you would… And I, you promised me, would be your queen. You would worship me and I would be happy, always, and we would always love each other, and…  
  
Stupid, idiotic stories, but I actually believed them.  
  
At least- at first. 


	3. I've Been Alone All Along

"These wounds won't seem to heal.  
  
This pain is just too real.  
  
There's just too much that time can not erase."  
  
But the years passed, my love, three years passed and my questions came. I loved you, Tom, the love stayed, but the blindness, that blindness of young love, went away.   
  
I wanted to keep it, desperately wanted to hold it, but I couldn't.   
  
Even though you were so sweet with me. For you were sweet.  
  
Never, never ever, did you insult me.  
  
Never, never did you hurt me.   
  
But you hurt other people, my love.  
  
And that hurt me as well.  
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears."  
  
I was twenty-one, my love, a beautiful, intelligent girl of twenty-one who'd always wanted to become an Auror. But who didn't, my love, because of you. Because of you, yes, only because of you I didn't start with the training. They would have accepted me, my love, I am sure of that. I was already famous since I was sixteen… "Youngest Animagus in over a century. Star pupil. Very promising future prospects." I still know the exact words Headmaster Dippet spoke to me. I was so proud. And I've thrown it all away, yes. For you.  
  
For you, who already knew by then that you where the Heir of Slytherin. Who knew that you would become the one, Dark Lord, whose name would make millions of people shiver and pray.   
  
I fully know that people will never understand my feelings for you. They will never understand why I followed you, why I, always on about emancipation and women's rights, became your loyal little house-wife when I was barely eighteen. The answer to all their questions is one word… love.  
  
'"And I held your hand through all of these years.  
  
But you still have all of me."  
  
I held your hand, my love, and yet I left you.   
  
I left you, three years after I had left with you.  
  
I remember it, my love, even now, now I am an aging, stern and well-respected Professor at a wizarding school, I still remember that night. But how could I ever have forgotten it? It was the night after my twenty-first birthday…  
  
The night when you proposed.  
  
I still see you, there, on you knees before me, the look in your eyes, your soft hold on my hand. The tone of your voice when you spoke those words  
  
"Minerva, I love you. Marry me and I'll make you my queen forever."  
  
So many girls would have melted for those words. As would I.  
  
If I hadn't found out, just a day earlier…  
  
I still see you sitting there, yes, but I also see myself, as I fell on my knees beside you. As I told you my one condition. As I asked you my one question.  
  
"Will you then give up Lord Voldemort?"  
  
That was my plea, yes, that exactly was my plea. To give up Lord Voldemort, to give up the Heir of Slytherin, to just be my Tom and to just be happy.  
  
And you shook your head as you stroked my cheek once more.  
  
"That I can't, Minerva. That is my destiny."  
  
I stood up.  
  
"Fight it, Tom. For me." I exclaimed in a last, desperate attempt to save you from yourself.  
  
And you shook your head again.   
  
And I knew what I had to do.  
  
I bowed my head- I, who did never bow!- and spoke  
  
"Then I cannot stay. Farewell, my love."  
  
No further explanations did I give. Just that one, last word. My "love". Understand, now finally understand, Tom, that I loved you! That I still do love you! That I didn't leave you because my love for you had parted! That I did ascend my broom and flew away, not because I didn't love you anymore. Or because I lacked the courage to live with you.  
  
Oh, God knows I would have stayed with you, would have supported you, even when you would have grown darker and darker. If you hadn't wanted to fight your destiny, oh then I would have, believe me!  
  
But there was something- someone- who forced me to go away.  
  
It was not Albus, let me firstly tell you that. Albus had nothing to do with this.  
  
I left you because I, Tom, yes, I, Minerva Katherine McGonagall, bore your child.  
  
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.  
  
But though you're still with me,  
  
I've been alone all along."  
  
I was pregnant, Tom. Your child, our child, grew inside of me. And though I could sacrifice my life for you, I could not sacrifice our child. Our child, whom would inherit your thick, black hairs and my blue eyes. I knew you would have loved him. I knew you would have tried to give him everything he needed.  
  
But I knew as well that you would have corrupted him.  
  
And I could not let that happen.  
  
My James would not be sacrificed.  
  
And that, my love, is now the last piece of the puzzle. Isn't it ironic?   
  
Yes, that, Tom, is my well-kept secret: James Potter was my son. Our son.  
  
You have murdered your own son.  
  
You have murdered the last token of our love in this world.  
  
Isn't it ironic, my love?  
  
I ran away to Hogwarts after I'd left you. I went to Albus, as I had always gone to Albus when I was in trouble. For I was in trouble and I knew it.  
  
He was simply wonderful.  
  
I confessed everything- even what I hadn't told you, that I would become a mother very soon.   
  
And he remained… simply wonderful.  
  
The idea of termination of my pregnancy didn't even occur to him. He immediately offered me a job at Hogwarts, which I accepted. What could I have done otherwise? And I knew I had a talent for teaching… I knew I would love to teach.   
  
Then, he offered me his hand in marriage.  
  
He was willing to take care of your child, Tom! He was willing to adopt your child as one of our own!   
  
But I refused.  
  
And even then he found a solution: Richard and Maggie Potter- friends of his who could never have children of their own. They would raise James as if he were their own son. And they have.   
  
It hurt me, Tom, to leave him, though I knew that his foster parents would love him. Albus comforted me. He asked me to marry him again.  
  
I refused again, saying that I would not just marry him because I needed a shoulder to cry on. I told him that I would marry him one day because I loved him and wanted to share my life with him.  
  
That day came two months later.  
  
So that is it, my love, the utter and complete truth which you have never known.  
  
James has, though. Just two days before you killed him. I still see his reaction.  
  
No insults, no blames even.  
  
He just embraced me.  
  
My son.  
  
Your son.  
  
Our son.  
  
And now the truth is finally told.  
  
But one thing I still have to tell you.  
  
That Albus makes my life complete.   
  
That you are just a shadow of a once beloved for me.  
  
With James you've murdered my love for you.   
  
I have been alone all along.  
  
And listen to me now, Tom. Living with you was life in the darkness.  
  
Living with Albus is life in the light.  
  
That means there will be no darkness anymore. 


End file.
